Sunday, September 18, 2005

Hey!! Who turned out the lights??

I can see it already…rolling eyes of anyone who may read this…and I’ve not even begun. But here I go anyway. I am a 25 year old married stay at home mom of 2 beautiful healthy girls. I’m very lucky in the respect of having a generally happy marriage, a home which we had built, health both physical and mental (most of the time), and 2 girls who’s worst ailments have been a minor cold. My 4 year old will be 5 next month and she’s been stricken with a stomach illness I.e. vomiting/diarrhea once, maybe twice…and that’s stretching it. So in the way of family and health I’m good, we’re good. However sometimes this is all I am. Most of my friendships have been developed out of these things…my friends are neighbors, or other stay at home moms that may manage to talk on the phone once every once in a while…and of about 30 minutes on the phone, about 7 of those minutes are spent talking to one another. The only other relationships I have are with family, my husband and children. Being a stat at home mom has huge benefits by the way of the children and the family unit, but by the way of the mom, although the benefits are obvious, there are disadvantages as well, that many people don’t see when they think of the “glamorous” life of a homemaker. It’s a lot like someone has turned out the lights that once used to light your way and now there’s just you with about 5 small flashlights lighting the paths of children, husbands, and mini vans. The visions you once had of pulling it all off…a happy you, a happy husband, happy well-balanced children, and a happy dog waiting to greet you after a long day of work at a fulfilling job are so blurry, it’s hard to believe you once thought that was all possible. Socially retarded, you barely know how to ask “may I ask who’s calling” when answering an unknown phone call, and if you do manage to pull that one off you have to physically restrain yourself to keep from clapping your hands and saying “yay” when they pronounce their own name perfectly. Don’t get me wrong- I love my life- this opportunity that I have that so few are able to do. To actually be able to raise my own children, to be completely available to their needs rather than to some overly demanding corporation, but it’s not all soccer games and craft projects, or talk shows and afternoon naps (whichever way you look at it). I love it, I just never pictured myself this way, and though it works well for me, sometimes it does feel a bit like I’m wandering around in the dark.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

In regards to Stephanie...

I've been trying to come up with something to write about for some time now, and there are a lot of times and relationships that come up time and time again, there are 3 relationships in particular that are so prevalent that they must be what I'm supposed to talk about. I'll start with Stephanie. This friendship spans so many memories it's hard to know where to begin. I'll start at the beginning. She was my first REAL friend. The girl down the street. We met after she and one of her friends made fun of me about how I lifted my feet off of the pedals of my bike when riding through mud puddles. This embarrassed me and I went crying to my mom. A bit later Stephanie came to my door alone and apologized and paved the way for one of the best friendships I've ever known. We've had so many good times and plenty of time for apologies, but through it all there was a friendship full of unconditional LOVE - we may have had times when we didn't speak but I'm sure I speak for both of us when I say there was never a moment that we weren't able to say we loved each other. And though we've been reduced to emailing pictures and forwarded messages, I will never forget every thing we've endured together. Loves, losses, heartaches, pain, laughter, tears, football, Rollaids, markers on walls, walks and pennies of railroad tracks, hiding people in closets, sneaking out with keys to the van, running around the block singing "ding dong the witch is dead", singing silly songs we wrote ourselves and actually putting them to tape, dancing...2 white girls that probably shouldn't have, getting married in her back yard, lounging in Jerry's tree and listening to Steph do the best impression of Jerry's laugh, playing drive thru, playing mean jokes on Steph because we knew she would fall for it, boy did she hate us after that one!! And so much more! So much that, for me, can't even be expressed in words, all I can do to try is to touch my heart. That's what she's done...Her sister, her brother all of them. As I push the tear off of my cheek I reminisce on how we were all friends and family, and how much I love and miss them. I just hope my daughters find a friendship like ours.

Monday, September 05, 2005

I have 3 grandma's...

When it came to talking about my mother's family when I was growing up, I guess you could say it wasn't exactly ideal. My natural parents are still married, and my father's parents are still married, and my mom's parents are married...Again. That's when it gets different. From as early as I can remember, my maternal grandfather was Marvin and maternal grandmother was Debbie, but she wasn't my mom's mom, the "other" grandma, Reba, was her mom, and Her husband, my "other" grandpa, Don, wasn't my mom's dad. I didn't really understand, nor did I need to. Grandpa Marvin and Grandma Debbie were my maternal grandparents, Grandpa Fred and Grandma Bobbie were my paternal grandparents and Grandma Reba and Grandpa Don were my "other" grandparents. That bunch of confusion has been over since approximately 1988 or 1989, I think, but to this day my grandma Debbie will always be my grandma-so what if I haven's seen her in 15 years!! The memories and love this woman provided to me and my brother were nothing less than wonderful, and enough to last a lifetime. When I remember my BEST childhood memories she's there. I'll never forget her, or how much I love her still.